Hamburglar

Me in my super sweet eye mask with Lamb-E (like Wall-E)

I have a slight insomnia problem every Tuesday morning when I try to sleep after working 12 hours Monday night.  I think I'm the only person who can stay awake 24+ hours and be dead tired yet unable to sleep.  It's led to tears, over reacting, and copious complaining.

Being the woman of action that I am, I...took action and bought an eye mask.  Not only does it block out every photon of light, but it also blocks sound (it goes all the way around your ears).  It came with a pair of free ear plugs and a warning.  If you wear earplugs with your Patented Sleep Master Mask TM you will not hear anything.  Including your alarm. 

I wouldn't go that far, but it definitely helps.  I am totally willing to deal with looking like the Hamburglar to catch a few more Zzzz's. I do have a small fear of a bed intruder or house fire sneaking up on me.  I would rather not wake up to a fire fighter hacking down my door to find me unconscious channeling Zorro.  (The mask actually does not impair my sense of smell, so maybe the smoke would wake me?)  I guess that's the price I have to pay for day time beauty sleep. All 4 hours of it.

Marginally Entertaining

I fell down on the job last week.  My apologies.  I think I need a husband, pet, or small child to make my blog more interesting.  I would especially like a pet or small child that I could rent or borrow periodically to cure my blogger's-block. 

Instead I have this...

A dog that would choose death by tortilla chips if given the chance.  At least she went organic!

And an uninvited guest that creeps around late at night.

This is not an actual picture of the perpetrator, but an artist's rendition. Courtesy of Wikipedia.

A mouse is in my house!  I would be happy to share with him, but I can't deal with his messy ways, and according to Wikipedia, mice are not housetrain-able.  In spite of their propensity for carrying deadly infectious disease (ie., the Plague), I find mice cute.  But this one has to go.

Because he's so cute, I can't bring myself to set out any traps.  I'm afraid to use the glue traps because I know I'll forget to check it and remember only when the stench of dead mouse permeates my house.  Or when I hear its screams for help at 1 am.  Plus you have to drive the mouse 1 mile away from its nest to release it.  I know the thing would get loose and take up residence in my car.  Or bite me.  Then I would be probably be exposed to rabies.

 

This is how I think.  Rational?  Not hardly.  But guess who has 79 contingency plans encompassing all possible outcomes...97% of which end in total catastrophe?  ME.  

So...I "researched" mice on the world wide web, to find they have a natural aversion to mint.  I doused cotton balls with peppermint extract and set them under my dresser (his main hangout) and haven't seen the fuzz ball (or his poo) since.   

Case closed...for now.

Come One, Come All!

Today marks the kickoff of The Inner Hippie's 1st Annual Membership Drive!  I can't meet my goal of being a stay-at-home blogger unless we increase readership, people!  Gotta get those ad sales going!

Alas! How will I ever fulfill my delusions of grandeur and make millions complaining about how crummy things are?

What, you think I do this for fun?  Puh-leaze.

And I certainly don't write about anything that's meaningful enough to induce a sense of emotional catharsis.

I just feel called to grace the blogosphere with my inner musings.  I mean, I won 2nd prize in the Kindergarten writing contest for my story about pigging out at DQ with my family. (A story which is slightly less amusing now that Alabama is the 2nd fattest state in the nation.) So I was born for this.

But really, thank you for reading, and especially your comments.  They excite me and make me happy!  And even if no one reads what I write, I still enjoy it.  So there. (Between us,  it's better when people do read :)

This Little Piggy

This little piggy made front page news in the Advertiser-Gleam.  There aren't a lot of "news-worthy" events in Guntersville due to the rarity of murder, rape, and grand larceny. And the fact that the all the bass fishing tournaments are over for the summer.  And the fact that football hasn't started yet.

But this little piggy made front page news (Front and Center actually).  Apparently he is running loose in a nearby neighborhood, subsisting on apples, figs, and whatever he can forage from neighborhood gardens. To this point, he has evaded capture by locals, animal control officers, his owners, and ME.

Apparently he escaped while his family was moving into their new home.  No one has come forward to claim him.  My theory is that they fear being charged with possession of a farm animal in the city limits.  I'm pretty sure it's illegal to have a pig inside the "city." Not that I agree with that statute. 

Because if I can catch that little piggy, he is all mine.  I have wanted a pig since 2004 when I saw Uptown Girls and fell in love with Rae's pig Mu.

I don't want a regular farm pig.  No, I had to fall in love with the $5000 + micro-pigs, which this little piggy suspiciously resembles.

So if I can catch that little piggy, I will love him and squeeze him and take him home with me!  Wonder if I can use a food trail to lead him right to me?

Jersey Shore

I just Jersey Shored myself.  Someone please stop me!  I don't want to watch this trainwreck...yet I can't stop myself either.  I've been looking forward to today since the season premier last Thursday.

My brain is going to slowly turn to mush.  Just wait.

But be a good friend and stop me from fist pumping, GTL-ing, tatting, or clubbing.  I already spray tan since Obama implemented that horrible tanning tax, but that was pre-Jersey Shore obsession.

Let A Little Festus Into Your Heart

Below is Festus, Fun Fest's mascot.

Festus brings us Fun Fest. Fun Fest is a 2 week long event, culminating in a wonderful combo of food, music, fireworks, and hot air balloon races. 

Breakfast with the Balloons (you wake up at the CRACK of dawn to eat fast food and watch the balloons take off...I always go back to sleep.  Festus doesn't like cranky people!)

I wonder if they would let me ride?

This is my friend Zac Brown and his band.

ZBB was followed by the Best Fireworks Ever

I know, it's awesome.  Don't worry, Festus is very open hearted. You can come with me next year!

Jeg Much?

Jeggings from http://styletips101.com/fashion/how-to-wear-jeggings.html

I tried on a pair of jeggings today.  These weren't the jeggings for me, but the search for the perfect pair of jeggings has commenced.  This was really an unexpected discovery.  I'm not a big fan of skinny jeans (skinny jeans are for skinny people...not those of us with bubble butts). And I really don't like stretch jeans either. To me, anything over 1% Lycra and you're out.  Personally, I like the stiffest jeans I can find.  No, they are not comfortable. But they do act like a little like Spanx if you know what I mean ;)

But jeggings!  The comfort!  The bliss!  The ease with which you can sit down! For that level of comfort I can throw on a long top (to cover the bubble) and be totally happy!

What was wrong with the pair I tried on you ask?  They had a creepy exposed elastic waistband that looked suspiciously like maternity pants.  For all I know, they were maternity pants. I have been known to cross the border into Maternityland unknowingly and unintentionally (The Bohemian trend gets confusing!)